#GOTTMAN ANGER ICEBERG PDF HOW TO#

Therapists often ask us to slow things down, and examine the connections between feelings and emotions to life events, stressors, memories. Having a therapist may be beneficial in guiding you through the process. After all, feelings like disappointment or resentment are incredibly difficult to unpack. Thinking through your anger iceberg may be difficult.

Consider seeking support from a therapist Examining your responses may lead you to understanding the underwater parts of your anger iceberg.Įven taking the time to ask yourself introspective questions is a great first step in working on your anger and exploring your implicit emotions - emotions that might not be fiery like anger, but are nonetheless important to your overall mental well-being. Have there been times in the past where I felt angry in a situation, but later realized I was feeling something else?.

If I were a friend or someone else and in this situation, what might I also be feeling?.How am I acting right now? How does my current display of anger mask another emotion that I feel?.When you’re angry, ask yourself these questions to gain a better understanding of your anger iceberg: Slowing your thoughts down and examining each one may be very productive in helping you find better ways to cope with the feeling of anger. Self-awareness may be difficult in times of anger, since feeling mad often cuts off the parts of our mind that are rational or logical. The next time you feel angry, really take a deep look into what else you feel besides anger.

#GOTTMAN ANGER ICEBERG PDF HOW TO#

How to use the anger iceberg to examine your anger Chances are, there are below-the-surface pieces to your anger. Maybe some previous injury, some emotional pain that you carry around with yourself, gets hit upon. Perhaps the most complicated of ways to be mad, feeling anger at yourself almost always indicates that there is something deeper. This is especially true if you have a latent resentment towards your family for one thing or another, perhaps a time they weren’t there for you when you needed them. If you don’t answer, you won’t have to talk through the issue or forgive your parent. Punishing your parent by not answering calls because of something previously said may be your way of coping with familial stressors. It makes the conversation one-sided, which limits how much you hear – that way, you won’t have to feel scared that your partner will touch on some of your more significant vulnerabilities within the dialogue. Yelling at your partner when they do something wrong makes it too loud to hear how you too can be a better partner. When hearing criticism on a project you worked very hard on, making a hurtful comment to your teammate masks the disappointment you feel in hearing non-positive feedback on something in which you felt particularly invested. Here are some examples of ways that the anger iceberg can be helpful: When frustrated at work We can also learn more about ourselves as emotional creatures, including how we currently cope, and how we can work towards healthier styles in the future.īecause anger is such a blinding emotion, using the Anger Iceberg can be very effective any time we need to remember that our reactions aren't one-dimensional. In paying attention to the other emotions involved in an anger reaction, we can better understand why we’re so mad and find ways to dissipate this anger in a productive, meaningful way. It gives attention to the underlying feelings bubbling beneath the obvious manifestations in behavior. The anger iceberg helps us figure out what else is going on. Yet we don’t see what’s beneath the surface: The other emotions in the mix, like frustration, hopelessness, disappointment, pain, jealousy, loneliness, or fear. We see and hear yelling, stomping feet, and raised voices. The Anger Iceberg is a concept created by the Gottman Institute that describes anger like an iceberg: Above the sea, we can see the visible 'tip' of the anger. Then something happens – it could be something you see, an action someone else takes, or a thought that pops into your mind – and suddenly, you’re so angry that you want to scream. You notice something, a feeling, a little sensation in the back of your mind. You’re going through your day, life as usual, feeling just fine.

It happens just like it did to the infamous Titanic. Using the 'Anger Iceberg' to Identify Your Underlying Emotions

Gottman anger iceberg pdf